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Blog Survivors Corner

“Why Now?” Answering the Question of Why Sexual Violence Survivors ‘Stay Silent’

As I resume writing again on loudislences.org, I was thinking about what people might feel about my ‘silence’ for the last couple months on this platform. While this was due to some life-evalution I was undertaking, I could not help but feel like I owed my readers an explanation. 

But it was not the first time I have felt that way. And that is a feeling anyone who has dared to break the code of silence on their experience with sexual violence knows all too well- the feeling of you have to explain your silence ‘all these years’. Haven’t we heard it over and over? Busola Dakolo, Reneau Giwa-Amu (RIP), the many women who came forward in the #metoo movement, and no doubt my humble self. When people hear how long ago your experience was, even when they don’t ask, you can tell they are wondering. 

I still remember the first time I came out to my family about my experiences with sexual abuse, especially from fanily- I can still hear the question- “why now”? “Why didn’t you say something all these years”? And it is a question we continue to hear as survivors. Well, if you are like me and most survivors, you may feel compelled to provide an answer to that question and perhaps, like most survivors- you open your mouth to respond and alas- nothing comes out. Why? Because you never really knew. The simple answer is- you are not ready until whatever point you choose to break your silence. But there is more, and for me, it took me a while to go through the layers of my ‘why now’.

Before I state what I found, let me identify the reasons people ask those questions. It generally would fall under these three categories:

  1. They truly want to know: Some people have this notion that if there was an unpleasant event going on, our natural instinct is to ‘scream for help’. And what can be more unpleasant than any form of sexual violence? As such, they cannot make the connection between your unpleasant experience and silence. A part of them feel for you enough to want to understand. Plus, the they can know enough to help someone in the future. 
  2. Trying to get the truth: there are those who just don’t understand why survivors stay silent for so long, but here are others who just want to get to the truth to make informed decisions. And especially in  a case where they have to take actions (e.g. lawsuits) against perpetrators, it is only fair that they ask the question- why now. It is not usually for a lack of belief, but for taking actions informed by truth and fact. 
  3. It is a rape-apology tactics: There are rape apologists, full stop! And they would stop at nothing to continue to put down victims of sexual violence. And so when they ask the question of ‘why now’ it is not for lack of evidence, or not knowing the truth, but tactics of intimidation to shame, guilt and put-down survivors often with the intent of silencing them. More often, they know and have some affinity towards perpetrators and would rather protect said perpetrators than their victims. This continues to be the case with perpetrators who are authority figures.

For the benefit of folks in the first two categories I will provide answers to the question at hand. Because what they need is education and increased awareness. After which, they can make a conscious effort to become allies- because now they know. Or, join the third category of people because they choose to ignore the rationale behind prolonged silence by survivors.

Now that we have that out of the way, here are five reasons why survivors stay silent for however long:
  1. They were not ready: this is as simple as it sounds. Everyone feels ready to share at their own time. Too soon before then (especially without support), and it can cause more psychological harm than good. Let them be ready.
  2. They are scared: this can be for a number of reasons ranging from- if the perpetrator is a person of authority or in a position of power, there may have been threats. Especially for children this happens a lot where if they have been threatened, they lack the thinking capacity to realize it was a lie. In my case, as a child, imagine being told you would die if you spoke up. Or that you and anyone you tell will be killed. Sadly, we carry this lie to our old age until one day the scales off.
  3. Not being believed: this is a pathetic cycle in that when someone does come out to break the silence and another survivor watches them get shredded to pieces, of course the next person would want to keep silent until they think they are able to deal with the consequences of breaking their own silence. So you see how as society we fuel the silence?
  4. They are unable to remember details: some people’s way of coping with the trauma is to forget. Others forget because they were really young when it happened, and they are unsure of what they thought happened. When people are unsure of what they thought they experienced, they are likely to take their time on breaking silence.
  5. They are ashamed and embarrassed: This happen a lot with survivors who were much older when their abuse happened. Feelings like ‘I was so stupid’ and ‘how did I not see this coming’ are common. So excuse them if talking about it is the last thing on their minds.
  6. They didn’t think they could trust anyone: based on statistics, 79% of perpetrators are known to their abusers. In my instance, I knew all of my perpetrators- two of whom are family members. Why then would I trust another human being with that experience? Trust issue is already in the mix and your solution to my broken trust is to trust again? I am sorry, but that might take a while. This is why survivors need to know without a shadow of doubt who their allies are. And you don’t be an ally to a cause like ours and stay silent.
  7. They are emotionally and mentally spent: any form of sexual violence takes a lot of emotional and mental energy. Asking someone to be quick to recount the experience for whatever reason only takes more energy from them, not to mention relieving the trauma. This brings us back to the first point and why they may not be ready. When I was writing my book (sit tight for the launch date), I chose the middle of night to ‘grieve’ my experiences. So if needed, I could cry and reflect, because I had to relive the experiences in my writing. I have had years to deal with it, imagine someone fresh from the experience?

This is not an exhaustive list as there can be more depending on individual experiences. 

For those truly seeking to know, I hope this helps you understand better why survivors tend to stay silent. As for rape apologists, I hope these reasons change your perspective, considering the layers of issues survivors have to deal with. 

As for why there had been nothing on loudsilences for a while, I have returned to working from the office. Hence, it was mentally-wise to reevaluate the different things I do and resume them slowly. You, my amazing readers, deserve to know why, and you can learn about it here.

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Blog CSA

Silence is Consent! Do you Consent?

“Silence is consent! Why didn’t you say anything? You wanted it, just admit it”. Those were the words that kept swirling around in Made’s head as she clutched her purse and her shoes in one hand, while squeezing together parts of her clothes as if they would cover the imaginary nakedness she felt.

Although most people barely noticed her, she felt like all eyes were watching her with judgement. She felt shame, guilt, condemned and an overwhelming sense of aloneness. A trip to her friend’s house had ended up as one of the worst days of her life.

“Why didn’t I say anything truly?” She wondered. Her friend Jamie had said he needed help with the new assignment just delivered to them at school. Made was in his neighbourhood and figured she may as well stop by his place to get that out of the way. It won’t be the first time she would go to Jamie’s house, or be alone with him in the house. They have been friends since high school and now in the same university. She trusted him (or so she thought).

Once the assignment was done, Jamie had offered her food, she ate and slept off on the couch. Not the first time she would collapse in sleep over there. But this time, she awoke to the feel of the hands on her thighs. Her eyes flew open when she realized what the hand was trying to do, as she opened her eyes, she was shocked to see realize this was a case of rape and not a question of if she was interested.

Before she had a chance to scream, he covered her mouth with his hands. With his other hands, he signaled for her to hush, before showing her the knife he had placed on the table.

Could she ever forgive Jamie for asking her “why didn’t you scream, if you did not want it. Haven’t you heard silence is consent”? That was a question she was not ready to answer yet. The bigger question was why was he more disappointed at her who was the victim than he was at his own father who raped he under their roof?

Were you also thinking, well, if it was Jamie’s father, why didn’t she scream for help? Do you also agree silence is consent? By your logic, if silence is consent, why then do you remain silent on the topic of ending sexual violence in our society. Is your silence meaning you want this menace to continue? If no, then here is how you can help. If yes, then keep keeping mute. For God’s sake, it better be the former!

PS: At the point of doing this write-up there was yet another story of a child who was being sexually abused for the last seven years of her life by a popular member of society. We cannot afford to stay silent any longer.

Categories
Blog

“Woman, Thou Art Loosed”

“Woman, Thou Art Loosed”! It is a book title authored by Bishop T. D. Jakes. There is a movie on the title as well. I have read the book and seen the movie. You should see it or read it. Thank me later. *wink*

DISCLAIMER- many men will see ‘WOMAN’ and be like this is not for me. Don’t you dare close this. Read on and be on the right side of history. Plus a woman birthed you! (Imagine me saying that in my nicest voice). Moving on.

No, I am not about to do a review on the book or the title, I am trying to make a point here. Stay with me? Thank you. But first…

…Did you know that in this month of March (by the way, Happy New Month). Where was I? Right! In this month of March, we celebrate women all over the world. Precisely, March 8th has been designated to celebrate women and create awareness on the challenges women face.

You know what the theme of this year is? #choosetochallenge. Basically we are to challenge an idea, culture, bias, etc. against women. And I will be challenging an idea, trust me, but before I do that, let me challenge you first- WOMAN.

This is the part where I go back to “Woman, thou art loosed”. You still with me? Great. You are the best, you know that? *chuckle*. Okay, focus! “Woman thou art loosed” is basically a story of letting go, forgiveness and finding freedom for a woman who was raped by her mother’s boyfriend.

The catch in that story for me is that this woman was challenged by Bishop Jakes to forgive, because for as long as she held on to the unforgiveness, it was eating her (not her rapist) up. As such, she was challenged to make a CHOICE- heal and be made whole (to which forgiveness is a KEY component) or remain hurting and not be able to move forward.

Why am I talking about this with you? Phew, I was wondering when you were going to ask. Hey, no need to feel ‘heavy’ now. Relax, okay? But seriously, historically women have been through a lot. Personally, ‘woman thou art loosed’ was a reflection of ME, and I understand the challenge Bishop made to that woman. God placed same demand on me.

Your case may not be rape or abuse, maybe it is a mindset that has held you back from moving forward in life. But dare I say to you that the world can hold challenges all they want ‘fighting your cause’, but if you WOMAN are bound, you will never be able to walk in the fullness of your God-given purpose and freedom.

Many of us have imbibed the wrong mindset, attitude and identity. Let me ask YOU, how many times have you said to yourself (or heard someone say)- “I cannot do this”, “I don’t think they are looking for someone like me”, “I doubt they will allow a black woman” or one we join society to say “women are not supposed to….”

Dear woman, as I join the #choosetochallenge, let me challenge you first- deal with the things holding you back! Challenge the mindset and perspectives that have held you bound. God is counting on YOU to accept the identity He has given you.

Dear MAN (now you see why it was a bad idea to run off?), I want you to challenge your belief and mindset about how you view woman. With the right perspective, you will know that many things societal values have used to ‘bound’ women were not so IN THE BEGINNING. So you have a part to play. Would you like to raise your daughters in that same perspective you currently hold?

In the next write-up, I will share tips on how to challenge your mindset (or maybe it will be on my YouTube channel). Either way, you can expect that from me.

WOMAN, before I leave you go, let me rephrase Bishop’s book and video title for you- WOMAN, ARE THOU LOOSED?! Think on that as you anticipate the tips I will be sharing with you.

PS: I want to invite you to join the #choosetochallenge campaign. Click to learn and join. Meanwhile, how do you like my picture for the challenge? I took several (such a pain taking pictures) before landing this one. Through LoudSilences, I choose to challenge the culture of silence impacting issues women face.

#choosetochallenge international women day 2021
I #choosetochallenge the culture of silence

Empowering a girl child or a woman is not a privilege, it is her right, for which she has equal right to access- Anita Adefuye

Special shout out to Karibs Foundation for choosing me as the face of Karibs for this challenge. It is an honour and I do not take it lightly.