It’s a cycle. Over and over again. I can’t seem to get past it. Just a single step forward takes me ten steps back. I thought I was better. I thought I felt better. But little did I know what was truly holding me back was my willingness to not forgive.
No one should ever go through what I have gone through. It was painful. I was hurt. The trauma was defeating. So, how can I simply just forgive and forget, as they say?
But, not forgiving really is holding me back. I know. And I’m understanding now. My full healing will not come unless I forgive these people. It’s like trying to put on new clothes on top of already filthy ones. Certainly, the dirty and old ones have to come off before stepping into fresh and clean clothes.
I want to wear new clothes.
I think I have gotten too comfortable in my old clothes. It is very easy to choose not to mentally confront who and what has hurt me, and because of that, I don’t want to be aware that my clothes are dirty.
One of the very things I have to do to get to healing land is to forgive me, myself, and I. This is one step to getting better clothes. Some of the things I need to keep telling myself are:
- “I did nothing wrong.“
- “It wasn’t my fault that I went through what I did.“
- “I shouldn’t be held accountable for the wrongs of another.“
- “And most definitely, I did not ask for what I went through.”
There is a circle of constant pain and hurtful memories and traumas, but it does not define who I am. It does not make worthless or useless. For this reason, I can truly step out of this circle if I choose to let go of holding on to what is in the circle.
I forgive myself.
I know it’s not easy but I am willing to work for my healing. Forgiving is letting go, but it is also not allowing past experiences weigh me down. While I might still remember what I have gone through, I am not letting painful memories take charge of my current life.
Therefore, new clothes are mine. I need to wear new clothes.
Can you think of a better way to help a person who has experienced gender-based violence find their voice better than showing them someone who came out stronger on the other side? No? Me neither. LOL
Yes, I have been through SOME of the things we talk about here and dared to share my story of sexual abuse, low mental health, suicide, but also how I overcame.
My book, Reve-Healed – A true story of pain, healing, and hope, is available for purchase. Get yourself a copy today and gift someone as a message of hope.