Dear Anita….I was raped on Valentine’s Day

Dear Anita, I was raped on Valentine’s day and it hurts! A day that was supposed to be about love quickly turned to hate for me. I hate him! And I hate myself! How do I live with this?

This is the story of a survivor. It holds a lot of lesson and insights (summarized at the end) for everyone. Fellow survivors will relate to it and all others I hope you get insight into how people sometimes get to be raped, harassed and all. For now, keep reading.

Three years ago, I met this chap, let’s call him Dele! To say that he was the sweetest guy was an understatement. There were times I had to pinch myself to see if all these were real.

Sometimes, Dele would come to my hostel (we were in the same university) and help me cook there- girls hostel o! Other times, he would just show up with food. He was two years ahead of me in school, so he graduated before me and left school.

Despite this, Dele would order food and have it delivered to my hostel especially during exam periods to ease stress on me. I know this sounds like no big deal but for me it is the little things that matter. But there was more to why this guy was the greatest.

We were both Christians (I am saying were because I am no more and struggle there), so we were committed to the same values- no sex before marriage. At first, this was an issue to Dele because according to him- his ex-girlfriend was also Christian and saw nothing wrong in sex before marriage.

With time, he accepted and said it was time he took his walk with God serious anyway. I never had any issues with him or suspected anything bad lied with him, until this said Valentine day.

This was a guy that we would go pray together at night- sometimes it was really dark and nothing happened. So how could i have suspected? He would walk me back to my room, kiss me on the cheek, and head home.

Three years into our relationship, he had finished school, and was working in a bank. I was in my final year and took a trip home to Lagos where we both lived- mostly because I wanted to see him. Plus it was Valentine’s day soonest.

To tell you how thoughtful Dele could be, when he got his job in Lagos, he rented an apartment close to where my family lived- in hopes that I can easily stop by and when we got married, I won’t worry about being far from my family.

Yes, he had even brought up the M word- and his housemate had accidentally slipped up to me that was my biggest surprise for that year’s Valentines day. Imagine my excitement, but also imagine my pain with the turn of events.

I woke up that morning, sure to words, he had requested I show up at his place early evening. I had initially picked out a jeans and top, but quickly changed my mind instead to a dress. Anita I swear it was not revealing!

When I got there, he had not gotten home. I brought out my phone to call him and realized he had sent me a text that he was held up in traffic and to wait for him. His roommate was home, so I figured why not- it won’t be the first time, I had to wait for him anyway!

When the roommate opened the door for me, he took a long look at me said “hmmm, sexy!” That made me uncomfortable, but I smiled and said thanks. He then went on to say “I bet today is the day you finally GIVE IT to my friend, three years with no sex is not a joke o. No man in today’s world wants that.”

The conversation was going in a direction that started to make me really uncomfortable. Why was he speaking like this? And why in the world would Dele divulge information about our sex life (or the lack of one) to his friend. This was not the feeling I expected to feel, but I held my peace.

Suddenly, his phone rang and he went into his room to answer. When he came out he said it was Dele and Dele had asked him to make sure I was comfortable until he got back. He had also texted me he was 15 minutes away. It was the longest 15minutes of my life.

The roommate was about to head into his room, he suddenly stopped, turned back to face me and started staring strangely at me. Dude was asked to make me comfortable, but clearly that word meant something else to him. I suddenly felt naked and I was sweating. He said nothing, but just kept staring, then his face broke into a half smile.

Next he asked- “Dele says you are a virgin and you are trying to save IT till marriage for him”. How do I know you are not lying?”. I was confused! Where is this coming from and where are we going with it? HW started moving closer and then said “maybe I should check just to be sure”. I flew out of the sit and started for th door. Dude blocked me off and bolted the door.

I was about to scream for help, he put his hands over my mouth and in a swift movement threw me on the couch. Ah Anita I blamed my decision to wear a dress, I blamed Dele for being late. My life was flashing before my eyes. Dude had one knee on my neck and one hand covering my mouth.

With his other hand, he signalled me to stop struggling and be quiet. He said he would let me go if I didn’t shout. I nodded okay and relaxed my body. But instead, of letting go, he shifted his knee from my neck to my chest and started taking off his pants. I was not sure to scream- I couldn’t. Everything in my went limp.

I quietly prayed for Dele to show up and suddenly, I heard keys going into the lock. Dude jumped off me and unlocked the door from inside. The smile on Dele’s face faded as soon as he read the room. He asked what was going on and I started crying.

You won’t believe this guy told Dele he wanted to “check for him if I was a virgin”. And that he had been telling him I might be playing him with this virginity thing. He added he won’t let him propose to me being a good friend. Can you believe the ridiculous things coming out of a person’s mouth?

Dele responded by saying he had told him to leave this thing and see where it had gotten him. He started apologising profusely to me and angrily asked his roommate to excuse us. You’d think that was my cue that I was the one who needed to leave that place in that moment right?! Wrong!

I just stood there, and his roommate left. Dele turned to me and hugged me as I cried loudly. He was gently rubbing my back, telling me it was okay. The back rub started taking a different turn. As he pulled me in closer, I stopped crying and tried to pull away, but he held in tightly.

He started rubbing his cheeks in my hair, and his grip was getting tighter. The more I pulled back, the more he held on. There were no words said, just muffled grunting on both ends-one of pain and one of pleasure.

It didn’t take long Anita- something about his own force took the words right out of me, and so with no words said, and after few minutes of struggle, he overpowered me and I couldn’t fight. Why didn’t I fight?! I just laid there, trying not to feel the pain, the shame and anger.

That night was supposed to be about him asking me to marry him. He did ask after he did what he did. The moment of realization hit after he climaxed- did I mention he was choking me intermittently? And I just laid there.

Anita, this is not how you want to start your month, I am not even sure why I am writing you. This happened five years ago and this is the first time I am speaking about it.

Can you believe he tried to justify his act by saying we were getting married and just seeing me vulnerable in that dress that night, “made me appealing in a way he never felt before”.

How in the world does me being in pain make me appealing? Do I come out of this? I don’t know. February is always traumatic for me Anita, every 14th, hide in my room and cry my eyes out. How do I move on from this? I have avoided men with everything in me since then, please tell me I’ll be okay.

LESSONS/INSIGHTS

• Nobody asks to be raped! To all survivors, it is not your fault!
• Seasons like Valentine’s Day are highly vulnerable days. Research shows that 1 in 3 women get raped and/or beaten on this day. Please take care out there.
• Avoid closed spaces where you can (in this story it was sadly unexpected what happened, so this is a tricky one)
• Survivors please stop blaming yourself. YOU DID NOTHING and DO NOT DESERVE IT
• People get raped by the most unexpected persons in the most unexpected places- if this is not your experience, please stop having opinions on what you know nothing about
• Guard your loved ones and be watchful over them in this season.
• ANYONE is capable of raping and there are many factors for this. In this instance, Dele had somene who had been speaking in his ears. The right time and moment and the beast in him came out.
• Pay attention to who is hanging around you and pay attention to your heart. Something in Dele resonated with the ill-advice his friend had been giving.

In this month, remember why we celebrate Valentine’s day- it is about love. Love does not rape or abuse. Love loves- period! Happy new month!

Got any words of advice and encouragement? Drop them in the comments below. Thank you to our survivor for sharing- this is the beginning of your healing journey.